In a normal world I would’ve done so many different things. I would’ve had the balls to apply to art center. I would’ve realized that my passport was expiring. I would’ve been more in control of my life. However now that all these things have happened, I don’t feel that regretting the past 2-3 years is worth it. It’s hard not to feel like my life is such a waste, and it’s hard to get these suicidal thoughts out of my mind. I’m beginning to entertain the fantasy that I am medically depressed. I see little purpose in continuing in life, but I see certain people that push and push to survive. Now that I’ve been hit by this bomb I should be clawing back to life but I feel no motivation to do such a thing. I’m disgusted at myself. Just the lack of strength, how cowardly I am; I suck. I feel this pressure and it reminds me that maybe I can go back to God. It only makes me think of Francis Chan. How he seems to have such a huge grasp on Love, God’s love. I feel nothing. Those past days of manifesting the Spirit falls back into the things of myth, its only a memory. like its never happened. The family is in chaos. I’m beginning to have these impressions; my mom is a gold digger, and a liar. Its hard to respect her, to love her, to honor her. Every time i see her, she puts says the same things. No one understands her. No one understands her relationship with God. No one understands how God has provided. Andy your father is a liar. He hides money. I just want my fair share. God told me if I divorce your father he will be saved. Andy I raised you by myself when you were a child. You don’t respect me as a mother, and it’s because your father and your grandmother taught you to treat me this way. HOW ABUSIVE. I can’t see the mom I used to know. The way she is handling this divorce perverts her ministry. It’s a sham. A big question I have is this : If someone’s actions are not in line with the bible, but they claim that what they are doing comes from God, are they still correct?

Here is the current situation. She won’t take the deal that gives her (1) the mayfair mansion, (2) ariana’s child support. 

My dad makes 16,000 a month. She wants 10,000 in spousal support. Add that with child support and my dad makes 300 a month.